Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Deep Thoughts 1995 one-a-day calendar
Jack Handey's Favorite Deep Thoughts

Deep Thoughts 1995 one-a-day calendar
# January 1

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can
say, "Sorry, got these sacks."  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am
now.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the
room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain,
because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs
hatching.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward
into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# January 9

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad?  Just run up and kick her
in the butt.  (P.S. This also works with men.)
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day
long.  Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had.  It was
almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over
it.  And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

You know something that would really make me applaud?  A guy gets stuck in
quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis!
How do they do that?!  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window?  The guy looks out it, and if
he leans too far, he falls out.  Wait.  I guess that's like a regular window.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Children need encouragement.  So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was
a lucky guess.  That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:
First, take out the garbage.  Then go around and collect any extra garbage that
people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too.  Pretty
soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# January 16

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol?  How about the pillow?  It has
more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year,
but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was
a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one.  I had to
laugh.  Laugh and laugh.  Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by
laughing he would forget what he asked me.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had
accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.  First, he punched me, then he
kicked me, then he punched me again.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and
rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away.
Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day.  Later, he'll
thank you.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of
parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# January 23

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when
somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if
you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
Then, on the way out, slam the door.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS
that thing?!  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that
really annoys me.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would
really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain
lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to
have fun with this thing.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# January 30

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in
there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take
it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid-gold baby?  Maybe we'll never know.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back
inside the hat is at least a decade away.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your
lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot
of money.''  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas,
because that's what He's getting!  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# February 6

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay
to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do
some tricks.  But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,
because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression
we are trying to convey with our store.  On the other hand, we would not
prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's
gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a
skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a
skull but just an old dried-out potato.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kinda scary.  I've wondered where
this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a
clown killed my dad.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun?  It's cheaper than a dog, plus
if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the
way.  Cars, too!  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me
to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# February 13

Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind.  I go to my
imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the
weather is perfect.  The only bad thing there are the flies.  They're terrible!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I
spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.  NOW who's asking the
questions?  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.  But
some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little
window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.''
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know
sensuality if it bit her on the ass.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can
picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# February 20

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver.  And since
he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS?
It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins
or changes colors.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and
lit the evil puppet villain on fire.  No, I didn't.  Just kidding.  I just said
that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out.  Another
emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like
that.  Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he
paid for his stupid puppet.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

There are many stages to a man's life.  In the first stage, he is young and
eager, like a beaver.  In the second stage, he wants to build things, like
dams, and maybe chew down some trees.  In the third stage, he feels trapped,
and then ``skinned.''  I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves.  And
usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# February 27

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice
of lemon to each jar, for freshness.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND
Superman away.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the
confusion and problems they've caused?  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.  "That was
fun," I said.  "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher."  "No," I
said. "I think we should be heading back now."  "We have time," Nick insisted.
I said we didn't, and Nick said we did.  We argued back and forth like that for
about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back.  I didn't say it was an
interesting story.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my
skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?"
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# March 6

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back
and said, "Hey, good job."  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling."  It's just
like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood.  I don't know
why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

A man doesn't automatically get my respect.  He has to get down in the dirt and
beg for it.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and
just laugh at people.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.  And I guess
that's what I like about it.  It's easy.  Just sitting there, rocking back and
forth, wanting that money.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out
of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish
pulls a worm out of the ground.  Now that's a documentary!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# March 13

The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life.  But now it was time to
hang up the cue.  When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor.
"Sorry," he said with a smile.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun.
That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?"
And they'd say, "Yeah."  And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time."  It'd
be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I don't pretend to have all the answers.  I don't pretend to even know what the
questions are.  Hey, where am I?  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace
treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act
surprised.  "Wait a minute!  I thought WE won!"
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's carrying a beautiful rose in
his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.  And
also, you're drunk.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself.
For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head".  Normally, you
would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back
features, as if flying though the air.  But think again.  Couldn't it also mean
"having a head like a fly"?  I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# March 20

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered
an enemy planet.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this,
but that's another weakness.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever
needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
psychiatrist is our "friend."  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone?  That
way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save our national forests.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# March 27

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like
apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some
were probably hit by cars.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex.  He sort
of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go
out to the horse pasture and I'll show you."  So we did, and there on the
ground were my parents having sex.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow
these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third,
shine all my shoes.  There, isn't that better?
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

You know what would make a good story?  Something about a clown who makes
people happy, but inside he's real sad.  Also, he has severe diarrhea.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# April 3

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the
sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to
the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you
spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be
PROUD to be sprayed by one.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city
slicker who came through, trying to peddle "hair restorer."  He took everyone's
money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer,
nobody had any money left to buy it!  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a
flea?  Getting caught inside a watch somehow.  You don't even care, do you.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Some folks say it was a miracle.  Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked
the next pitch clean over the fence.  But I think it was just a lucky swing.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# April 10

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I
said, "I like mayonnaise."  She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder.
Then she left.  I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground.
You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear
across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable.
Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say,
"Fred who?"  And you say, "Fred of snakes?"  Then cover your ears, because big
laughs are coming.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would
constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you
have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him
later."  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while?  Come on,
we're not going to hurt it.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies?  One eats leaves, and
the other eats caterpillars.  Oh, I see now.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# April 17

Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to
protect my nest of chocolate eggs.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good
saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right.  Tabby-colored, likes a
fella."  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him
is "Probably because of something you did."  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all
I have to say.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily
means you're a hard worker.  It may just mean that you have a lot to learn
about proper hammer maintenance.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# April 24

If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd
just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's
`fashionable'."  But he won't.  And you know why?  Because you can't ask
someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that.  You have to be
friendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?"
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're
all covered with leeches.  Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?"
(Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion.  Truth is real.  And, at the same
time, unreal.  Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I
can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing."  This is truth, to me.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they
break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's
the monster, sound asleep.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice
it's not the moon but a streetlight?  Also what's funny is how we do this every
night.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over
the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff
that comes flying out.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# May 1

It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me.
I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and
dial.  My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking
and cheeping.  "What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak
English.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you
could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he
would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking
through your stuff.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't
think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people
see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles.  It
would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle.  After a
while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some
pornography.  Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an
eagle.  He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents.
Then, some more pornography.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house.
And I thought, I too am like that snail.  I build a defensive wall around
myself, a "shell" if you will.  But my shell isn't made out of a hard,
protective substance.  Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# May 8

My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when
you get bit by a rattlesnake.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.  That
way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him.
How about it, science?  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads
that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president.  Then
somehow I get myself elected president.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.  Then
it wouldn't seem quite so funny.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the
world.  He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have
the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine.
Hey, wait.  I wasn't in the army.  Then who WAS that guy?!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN
TO YOURSELF!  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# May 15

If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes
out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell
the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many
loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean
lengthwise loaves.  Otherwise, it makes no sense.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to
be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the
sun be blotted out from the sky."  Just then the eclipse would start, and
they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about
the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a
woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll
be waiting for you in heaven---with a gun."
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start
to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of
"bag."  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind
should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# May 22

I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a
hammer.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Worship the potato?  The idea seemed silly to me.  But then I thought, what
else is more deserving of worship?  It's simple, it comes from the earth, and
it can kill you if you disobey it.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
students from just trying to yodel right off.  You see, we BUILD to that.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down.  I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.  When the
person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch?
A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says
"You."  After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that
his arms and legs form "spokes."  Happiness is when he stops.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I
don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other.  But here's the
point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# May 29

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.  I
remember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive and
drive.  I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.
The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played.  I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad."  We'd eat some stuff,
or not, and then I think we went home.  I guess some things never leave you.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a
fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his.  Then he'd spin it round and
round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,
"Tadpoles!  Tadpoles is a winner!"  We all thought he was crazy.  But then, we
had some growing up to do.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair,
you still hit those brakes!  Hey, better try the emergency brake!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half?  Someone gets mad
at you.  I found this out the hard way.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime,
to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests?  Just a big bag of blood.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# June 5

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake:  Straddle a big crack in the
ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around,
like you're going to fall in.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on
a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of
"accidentally" brand each other every once in a while.  It's their way of
letting off stress.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with
a smaller head.  That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't
eat so much.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.  That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said
something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right,
it's a soldering iron.  The soldering iron of justice."  Then everybody would
get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of
justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# June 12

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that
different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked
dolphins the most?  I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?  You'd be wrong though.  It's
Hambone.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

To us, it might look like just a rag.  But to the brave, embattled men of the
fort, it was more than that.  It was a flag of surrender.  And after that, it
was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the
surrender.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people
do.  Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much.  "I guess you're not
an `afictionado'," she said.  Poor Marta.  For all her reading, she doesn't
even know the right word.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said,
"Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad
and yell, "A girl!?  You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to
another father.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# June 19

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about
your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is
just to say, "No speaka English."  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the
gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant.  And maybe there would be
thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together
and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there.  But don't ever call us
"ants," because we hate that.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is
probably a joke that gets old real fast.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke."  But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself.  Then, I told myself, "Go
ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# June 26

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple
as wild dogs.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a
boxing glove on a spring shoots out.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because
do you hide from it or not?  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty
or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom.
I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at
their heads.  It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all,
but dirty clothes hampers.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe.  But
the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's
completely draped in it.  Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# July 3

If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on
someone's lip.  Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could
cover fuses in just one class.  It's just too rich a subject.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike.  The first is,
we both like to spread our "stink" around.  The second is we both get hit by
cars a lot.  The third is stripes.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a
nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another
scientist, "You know what will save the world?  You're holding it in your
hand."  And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts.  Then when
he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks."  Marta said it
should read "Watch For PRETTY Rocks."  I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a
joke---just to get out of writing a simple letter!  And I thought I was lazy!
	-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

# July 10

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself.
Mankind.  Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
	-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them
by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!"  Then I drive them
out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of
zebra and clown life.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I
could cure it.  First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk.
After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or
something.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really
make you mad?  Treasure chests with no handles.  How the hell are you supposed
to carry it?!  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in
favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage.
They're just not ready.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand.  Come on, Marta.  Grow up.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# July 17

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the
drinks are free.  Ask, and ask often.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought
back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named
him Flint.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the
wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?  And after
you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask
people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful
things in the world.  What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with
long, blond hair.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round
metal hat.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# July 24

Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe me?
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat
there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and
yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by
about ten thousand bees.  When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees.  ("I
can," one bee.)  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell
about it.  So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I'd rather be rich than stupid.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came
up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea
to say, "I swallowed it.  So sue me."  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# July 31

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly.  But they
forget the negative side, which is the preening.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because
I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd
just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about
doing that anyway.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some
fireworks out the window?  It would make the whole takeoff look more
impressive.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why?  It would
take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it.  And you
know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me?  I just sort of slip off to
the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# August 7

When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is
wrapping it too tight.  You have to allow the head to breathe.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

We like to praise birds for flying.  But how much of it is actually flying, and
how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a
hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw
chicken to the dolphins.  They eat fish."  Sure they eat fish, if that's all
you give them.  Man, wise up.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together
on some sort of construction project.  But what about just a big field full of
holes?  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse.  "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."  He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.  I started
to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude.  That's a
common mistake.  You have to let nudity "happen."
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# August 14

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.  No, wait.  Not me, you.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by
shoving them down his throat)?  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it
open, and there inside was a whole person.  Then they cut the person open, and
in him is a little baby shark.  And in the baby shark there isn't a person,
because it would be too small.  But there's a little doll or something, like a
Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and
just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me "the Man" is
behind this.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first
thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth?
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# August 21

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on
your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.  Then,
when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection?  I thought you said
`inspection'."  They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life,
because we're not ready.  But maybe they'll change their tune after a little
torture.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable---until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# August 28

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous
snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU
got bit by a snake.  Then start an argument about who's going to get help.  A
lot of guys will start crying.  That's why it makes you feel good when you tell
them it was just a joke.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd.  Todd
Blankenship."  Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get
your first anvil.  How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is
wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out."  But I've never even seen a
radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do.  When I met
the family from Japan, they all bowed.  I pretended like I was going to bow,
but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back.  I did this five times.
I think they got the point.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# September 4

If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay
to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it.  I picked it up, and started wondering who
this person was, and why he had deer horns.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people,
because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!,
I'd have all my money back.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven.  It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# September 11

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering
hole and started to drink.  But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones
everywhere.  "Uh-oh," he thought.  "This watering hole is reserved for
skeletons."  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much
glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in
their yard.  Then tell them their ants ate your baby.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a
whale.  They look and look, but you know what?  They never find him.  And you
know why they never find him?  It doesn't say.  The book leaves it up to you,
the reader, to decide.  Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and
it tastes like Kool-Aid.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger
or even the elephant.  The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an
elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# September 18

I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the
meanest man in town.  But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't
know how to show it.  The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who
lived in the big white house.  "THAT'S MISTER SWENSON," they said.  Oh, my
mistake.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop
and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's
probably the first sign of jungle madness.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake.  That's
called Houdini.  Love is liking someone a lot.
	  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing.  But we wouldn't
be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in
town.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual
push buttons on each desk?  That way, when you want to ask a question, you just
push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the
front of the class.  Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted
number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the
question.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least
effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# September 25

Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at
a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those
plastic dry-cleaner bags?  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal,
trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for
about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick.  Then I'd go out west and
start digging for gold.  When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd
say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool."  He'd say, "Your pick is gold."  And I'd
say, "well, that was easy."  Good joke, huh?  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth.  Could nothing stop it?  Maybe
Bob could.  He was suddenly on top of the meteor---through some kind of space
warp or something.  "Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of the generals.  "Give me that!"
said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away.  "Listen, Bob," he
said.  "You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth."  "Yes, but how?"
thought Bob.  Then he got an idea.  Right next to him there was a steering
wheel sticking out of the meteor.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to.  But I'm
telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# October 2

I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick
potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings
and lady Vikings.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I
thought, "What am I doing?!"  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

What am I afraid of?  I'll tell you: a feather.  that's right, a feather.  How
could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say.  That's an honest question, and
I'll try to give it an honest answer.  First of all, did I say it was a poison
feather?  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF!  Is anyone
listening to me?!  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best.  We called him Uncle
Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us.
Later on we found out he was a bear.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute
you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# October 9

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.  For instance, let's say you're an
astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into
Dracula.  The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam
the door behind him and blast off.  He might call you on the radio and say he's
not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough.  Yes, I want to kill people, but on
both sides.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if
you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't
get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.  Maybe
it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from
the first fight.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart
sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his
Superman cape on.  "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou.  "Don't move!" screamed
Grandma.  But Grandpa wouldn't listen.  He walked to the edge of the roof and
stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly.  I forget what happened after
that.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# October 16

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people
to do what I say.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and
they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were
creating.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others.  I think he put me on
this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they
make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our
civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like.  Then we tell them to come
back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization.  After that, we start a
crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization.  Either that,
or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

The tiger can't change his spots.  No, wait, he did!  Good for him!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you
can really see it in those genitals.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# October 23

If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the
day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave
early.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the
Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese?  They
probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because
I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that
ear monster and that big-dress monster.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back
my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me,
because I am beautiful.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good
costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife?  Trust me, it's not.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# October 30

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones
on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put
it on and really scare you.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a
wooden stake.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how
the children would laugh and laugh at me.  I vowed, then and there, that I
would get revenge.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding,
you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the
strength of that pudding skin.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because,
man, they're gone.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# November 6

I can't stand cheap people.  It makes me real mad when someone says something
like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or
"Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?"  Man, quit being so cheap!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I wish a robot would get elected President.  That way, when he came to town, we
could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow
down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a
yard sale of murder weapons.  Many people, for example, could probably use a
cheap ice pick.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one
of those little baby-type pumpkins.  Maybe it'll make everyone think of how
crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# November 13

A quiz: If I am my brother's keeper, who am I?  (Answer: me.)
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending that he's
throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making the
movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and
running around.  Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy
would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back.  That
way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the
side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the
same day.  Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal.  First
of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks
that much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# November 20

Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve:
something that stings you, then laughs at you.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets
hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to
study the brain.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting
you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it?  I'm going to go ahead
and keep you in the "happy" category.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the
cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but
instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball.  Then,
later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake
cough and throw the ball to the ground.  Then say, "Boy, these are good
cigars!"  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at
all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Whenever I open a door, I pull on the doorknob real hard, because isn't there a
saying that if it comes off in your hand, you can rear back and throw it as
hard as you can?  I thought I heard that somewhere.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# November 27

If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk
around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once,
because the faster you go, the later you think you are.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad.  And then I think, "Aw,
who cares?"  And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I don't say that the bird is "good" or the bat is "bad."  But I will say this:
At least the bird is less nude.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a
coward.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many
things besides walking on snow.  For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes
from the stove to the breakfast table.  Also, it can be used to carry uneaten
pancakes from the table to the garbage.  Finally, it can be used as a kind of
stainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold
got in a pancake somehow.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# December 4

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all
be brothers?  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly.  But also, check out his
Adam's apple!  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh.  Not
because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of.  I told him the
joke, but he didn't laugh very much.  Some friend HE is.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings.  But what
they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set
on fire.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up
to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's
illegal."  It might fit in with what somebody just said.  And even if it
doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# December 11

You know how to paint a room real fast?  Just put paint rollers on your feet
and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at
his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of
the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other
guy was an imposter and to run for help.  Who was that guy?!  Oh, well, never
saw HIM again.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought,
we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and
after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all of our skin layers.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old
stranger.  He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the
treasure.  I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story.  Some of us have a
plane to catch, you know."  He stared telling his story, about the treasure and
his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long."  But then, he
kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long."  But
then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too
long after all."  I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie
on the plane.  It was a little long, though.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

You know what makes good hair for a snow man?  REAL hair.  Don't ask me why,
but it works.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# December 18

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Carl would have to be fast to beat the stranger.  Real fast.  "Draw," said the
stranger.  Carl went for his gun, but then "Hey, where did all these angels
come from?"  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high
behind you to keep people from following too close.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you're trying to remember a happy memory, don't think back to a time when
you were ALSO thinking of a happy memory, because man, how long does this go
on?!  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most
common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?"  No.
I'm sorry.  That's as far as it shoots.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's
gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

# December 25

I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you
why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent
me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If you had to list the different types of haircuts in order of how warm they
kept the head, you'd probably put the flat-top down near the bottom.  But you
know, I bet it's surprisingly warm.  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the
world all want the same thing: a better house!
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise.
	-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't
think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all
those wishes.
        -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

           

My favorite Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time 
I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant,
and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word
itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate
words -- "mank" and "ind". What do these words
mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect.".
I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the
reindeer effect."

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because
maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you
because, hey, free dummy.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I
ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just
kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions,
which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone 
for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, 
as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think
you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment" even if 
he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call 
it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say,
"Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this
makes him feel better.

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess
that's what I hated about him.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten
by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about 
ten feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument
with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying.
That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.
I remember we'd all pile into the car -- I forget what kind it was --
and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were
some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we 
played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy 
we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think
we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've
never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely 
and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out 
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." 
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was 
a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, 
but it was getting pretty late.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night,
with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no
civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I
think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? 
And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into 
the driving rain -- unless there's lightning, because I could get 
struck on the head by a bolt.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's
real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act,
I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown,
because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's
just too much."

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both
Dracula AND Superman away.

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.
That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could
eat him. How about it, science?

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear,
don't stop and think of what other words have "under" in them,
because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp,
catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat,
I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is
if they ever press charges.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or
Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so 
I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try 
to find some mayonnaise for me.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at
them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.